I winced. I writhed. I expressed that she was hurting me and was met with a nonchalant, “Yes, I know it’s uncomfortable. Hold tight, it’ll be over soon.”  I felt somewhere between violated and experimented on when I heard the snap of the white gloves over her pale knuckles. “You can put your clothes on now. It’s totally typical for a black woman your age. As far as fertility is concerned, I’m not worried about the fibroids as much as I am about your age,” I shrugged off the sting of her last statement and asked how we should manage my pain and she said, “Right now, there’s nothing to be done. Just take Ibuprofen for the discomfort.” I scooted off the cold metal table, eyes watering from humiliation. Somehow this didn’t feel like a checkup. Somehow, I felt like she just mentally checked off the ‘typical black girl’ box in her arrogant head. Somehow, I validated some tally of statistics she was desperately trying to verify from her medical school research. I clutched the clothes in my hand to my chest and scampered out of the doctor’s office feeling bewildered.

On the ride home, the tears started to burn with anger. It took her all of 15 minutes to decide that “there was nothing to be done.” I concluded my solo rant with the belief that the physician was callous, unresponsive, and ill-equipped to be my physician. Blinded by her mental Rolodex of case studies and conscious bias, she was not invested in my welfare.

This new revelation strengthened my resolve. I promptly contacted the physician’s office to tell them I would not be returning. My declaration was followed with phone calls by other practitioners to salvage the relationship mainly due to the fact that I carried premium insurance.

In every other aspect of my life, my self-care circle has been well constructed. The women of color who surround me have the science of finding the most dynamic team of hair stylists, makeup artists, and nail technicians down to an art. However, finding a physician who is as holistically intuitive as they are clinically qualified seemed sacrilegious. After all, the word of a physician is historically perceived as the gospel. Yet, your symptoms and feelings reveal the nature and source of the illness you are battling. So choosing someone who values the importance of including you in your wellness plan is vital.